Smeared mascara and smudged lipstick, Kagai leaves me in the car to repair my makeup while he goes inside the restaurant to place a take-away order of our lunch. Immediately I am looking presentable once again, I call up Doris. The phone rings out the first time, and redials itself. By the fifth ring, she picks it.
“I owe you money?” she snaps, with an exaggerated lift in pitch that I knew it was all in fun.
“Which kain way to answer phone be dis, this woman? Your Mama no train you well?” I tease her.
“No bring my Mama inside this matter. We don quarrel finish?”
“Who and who dey quarrel? Abeg, comot for road. So, that’s why you didn’t answer the first time? You know say your head no too correct, bah?”
“Madam, some of us have work that tie us down and therefore barely have time to frolic all over town with Kenya hotties.”
I laugh. “Jealousy, jealousy,” I sing.
“Just chop remain for me sha, na my own. Let them package my own for me.”
“Haba, Doris! Your longa-throat don reach ultra-high level o. Na to go report you for office be dat, make dem do pay you better so you won’t be disgracing them everywhere.”
“Na you sabi. Why are you even calling me, sef? Is the lunch already over?”
“Nope. It hasn’t happened yet.”
“What the hell! Kagai stood you up?”
“No o. I’m in his car right now. But I come poo-poo for the middle of the road.”
“How manage?”
“Wait, where are you? I don’t want your colleagues overhearing me.”
“How can? I’m not on speaker phone.”
I believe that sometimes she is, because once or twice one of her team members has given me a shout-out. “Just answer. Where are you?”
“I dey for office. The big ogas asked to meet with all the marketers in my branch. See wetin financial crisis dey cause. Dem don put fire for our nyansh naw. Time don reach when I go carry gun go steal to meet my quota.” She hisses.
She rumbles on, “Sha, we were just rounding up when your first call came in. I’m in the conference room now, don’t worry. Nobody is eavesdropping, or this thing I said I for talk am jeje, make dem no sack, because I swear these folks are looking for the slightest reason and na indefinite suspension be dat. If you mistakenly receive dat kain letter from HR, just know say na waka from dia. Go to dey find job cos your own no finish. It’s all good. God dey, abi?”
“Yep.”
“So, yarn. Why are you in Kagai’s car? And where is he?”
I peek out of the window to see if Kagai is coming. This isn’t the sort of conversation I want him to hear. After I confirm that he is coast is clear, I give Doris an abridged version of the encounter with Sam. her interjections of ‘for real?’ every minute is distracting, but I narrate the story will the end nonetheless.
“Chick, if you no talk this your ‘for real’, I no go know say you dey hear me? Ah ah, jeje. You’re screaming into my ear,” I admonish.
“See your mouth! I’m giving your moral support, you ungrateful child. Joo, so you cried? Na wa o.”
“My dear, I did. It’s so embarrassing, mehn.” Even now that I think about it, I cringe. I actually did it! Damn!
“Aww. How romantic.” She is laughing. I can tell that her tongue is sticking out and she’s baring her teeth in glee.
I frown, “You well so? Wetin concern romance for this, please.”
“You cried, he consoled you, you bond over this moment of weakness and realise that you’re soul mates.” She is chuckling as she speaks, enjoying riling me up.
“Craze woman.”
“Seriously though, there were no sparks while you were in his arms and he stroked your hair.”
“That’s one hell of an imagination you have there.”
Kagai did stroke my hair, but it feels corny to hear it from Doris. Yes, there was some sort of spark. Well, some sort of desire more like. On his part, that’s for sure because I felt a brush of hardness where there weren’t one before. That was the point I decided to gather myself together. Abeg, make person no talk say I encouraged am when I never sure whether I wan date am. Besides, a man who meets you under such circumstances might have a tainted impression of who you are. I am not weak, Kagai needs to know that.
“I’m just filling in the blank spaces, dear,” replies Doris, her giggles telling me she doesn’t believe me. “Sha, I know this isn’t the full gist. Right?”
I looked out of the window again. “No, it’s not. I’ll tell you everything later. We go see this evening na?”
“No be dis evening you make plans with Timi?”
“Kai, na so o. I come forget.” Oh boy. Timi. Another man that will probably accuse me of leading him on. “Shit. This juggling men business is hard work, no be lie.”
“Nobody is forcing you to do it,” Doris scoffs. “You’re enjoying the attention, so don’t pretend like you aren’t.”
I laugh. “After today, no attention is too much, dear. Chei, Sam finished me.”
“How did he finish you? He ignored you, you ignored him. He had an arm-candy, so did you. Na one-one, no return match. Don’t go giving yourself self-esteem for nothing, please. Even if the babe na his wife, tell yourself good riddance. If he could conveniently cheat on her, then he’s a scum and so not worth your tears,” She lectures, solemnly.
How easy it is to make sense in matters that concern someone else, I almost say to Doris, yet be complete mugu for Akan side. But I don’t want to bring up the Akan issue again and fall out with her.
“You’re right,” I reply, even though I am pushing up my nose at her. “Babe, let’s yarn later. Kagai is coming.”
Kagai is no where in sight, but I am a little irritated by Doris. I don’t like those who give advices they won’t take.
“How tomorrow evening go be? We fit see?” I ask.
“Oga no dey, so my evenings are free. Unless work comes calling.”
“When is he due back?” I ask, careful to keep my scorn from my voice.
“Next weekend,” she cried, and laughs. “I can’t wait.”
I roll my eyes, stopping just short of hissing. “When is the Oron trip billed for?”
Doris pauses, and her laughter cuts off right in the middle. She must have realised where I am going with my question. “I thought we’ve dropped that subject.”
“We have,” I lie.
“I hear you. Leave me to cure my own headache, okay?”
“Before I hold your hand? It’s your life. I can only talk. If you want to listen, fine. If not, no be by force. I only pray to God that the sex is marathon and out of this world, or else you deserve to be flogged thirty-two strokes with peppered koboko. Maybe your ear go open then.”
She laughs, good natured again. “Should I tape one of our sessions for you? So you can judge for yourself?”
“God forbid! That’s what nightmares are made of.”
Doris cackles, and breaks into a hum of Eurythmics’ Sweet Dream Are Made Of These. “Well, since you really want to know –”
“I beg you in the name of God, keep that information to yourself.”
Doris and I cover a load of subjects, but details of sexual activities have managed to remain excluded. Would she I have been with We both know we are unrepentant and regular fornicators, and leave it like that. When our bedroom exercises get mentioned, they are summarized with one word; ‘good’ can range from earth-shattering to mildly enjoyable and ‘bad’ goes for weep-inducing as well as he-just-bounced-around-like-a-ball-without-direction. I’ve reported more incidences of ‘bads’ than her. But then, Doris has only been with Akan. Can she really tell the difference between the two when she didn’t have a reference point? Still I don’t want to know how Akan is in bed. I don’t want to have images in my head that have no business being there.
“My dear, let’s yarn later.”
“No qualms. Call me when you’re done with your men.”
I return the handset into my handbag and look out one more time for Kagai. He is taking awfully too long a time. What could be keeping him, for goodness sakes? Should I go in and find out for myself? one time in the Uni, I had a boyfriend who offered to help buy me mango from the girls that hawk then about the school. It was the lecture-free week before examinations and we were reading in my departmental hall. I was the course-rep and had a key to the room. I was hungry, lazy and didn’t want to step into the sun at the risk of going a far distance searching for fruits I may not find. When he said he would go on my behalf, I was so thrilled and gave him a kiss for speed. When he didn’t return after thirty minutes, I went looking for him. there he was, three rooms from where we were, backing up on the wall this leggings-wearing, halter-top strapping, boobs spilling all over the place girl with the eager face of a fresher.
Was Kagai disappointed when I pulled away from the embrace, and is thus arranging for his night entertainment? I reach for the car door, but change my mind and slouch back into the seat. There is nothing between us. He can do whatever he wants. He has seen me cry for a man. If I go after him now, he’ll add ‘desperate’ to my resume.
I glance at my wristwatch. Ten minutes to two. My one hour break was almost over. Neither sally nor Mr. Akinoye has called me, so I am safe. I am not urgently needed at the office, I can afford to stretch my return a little. Maybe I should call Mr. Akinoye, find out if he is at Abuja Airport and if I would be working late today. I can’t imagine going anywhere near Hilton today. Running into Sam twice – with different men – in one day will be a bad omen I can’t risk. If Mr. Akinoye kept me at the office, it will give me a valid excuse for Timi. It may appear as though I am blowing if I suddenly say i didn’t want to go to the Salsa club. Or maybe it wouldn’t if I had a replacement venue. Now, where would that be?
“Hey, beautiful!”
I turned to my side to see Kagai climbing into the Jeep.
“I’m so very sorry I took so long.” He folds my hand into his, and gives me a peck on the cheek. It is quick, giving me no chance to draw away.
“It’s okay,” I attempt at a smile, shifting an inch from him.
“I hope you like what I got us. Beef stirred rice, honeyed prawns and a custard based dessert. It’s the dessert that took all the time. Apparently, it’s à la carte – their special. But I’m told it’s finger-licking sweet.” He replanted himself at my side, bringing my hand to his lips.
During my NYSC in a remote town in Kacha, Niger State, I played footsie, hand-sie, tongue-sie, and boob-sie with another corps member the night I went into the main city for a party. It was too late to return to my place of primary placement, so many of us who came from several other locations cramped ourselves in a room. Boyfriend-less and seven months of celibacy; a little fooling around with a good-looking boy deployed to a village 100km from me was welcomed. Problem was that by the following day, he had concluded that I was his girlfriend. It took me the entire service year to let him down easy. It was my worst non-relationship. Kagai’s sudden over-familiarity was dangerously towing that line. It is unwelcomed, because all I see is red flag. I will not rebound with a friend of Sam’s.
I give Kagai a push with my hip to create some space between us. “Thank you so very much. I hope you don’t mind but can we leave now, please? I have to return to work.”
He studies my face with raised eyebrow. Then he shrugs, and nudges his driver to start the car.
“I’m very sorry I kept you,” he apologizes, as he moves to the end of his side of the seat.
We are driven in silence to my office. I notice Kagai looking me over, but I ignore him all through the ride. I need to set boundaries, and I will not relent in this. At the gate, he holds me back when I am about to step down from the car.
“What did I do?”
“Nothing.” I smile, for cushioning effect.
He doesn’t buy it, his eyes are focuses on me. “If I don’t know where I have gone wrong, how can I correct it?”
“You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“So we’re cool?”
“Of course.”
“Good. How about lunch tomorrow. Or maybe dinner, so we don’t have work to fret about.”
“Erm –”
He raises his finger to to stop me from speaking. “Hold on a minute before you say no, I can guarantee you that we won’t run into Sam.”
“And how will you accomplish that? You have his itinerary?”
“No.” He drew back like a snake had just hissed at him. “If it means getting you comfortable, I’ll pull every trick I have to.”
Nice words, wrong mouth. I will not be statistics for Kagai too.
“We’ll see.” I smile, and pry my arm away from his hold.
“That’s not a yes,” he states, but his eyes are hopeful.
“Not at the moment.”
“Okay. I’ll call you later today. By then, it should be a definite yes.” He grins and touches my chin with the back of his hand. “Take care.”
As I am walking through the car, a 2009 Toyota Camry with my NGO’s logo pulls up into the compound. The door opens and Mr. Akinoye gets down. I beam at him as I walk to help him with his laptop. I’m thinking: five o’clock should be a good to call Timi to cancel our date.
Filed under: How Many Frogs Shall A Princess Kiss
Flourishing Florida 